It seems we are at a stalemate, Daddy and I. How do you bring up your desire for BDSM when one of the issues that you're working on is a difficulty in articulating what you want, what you need? I am finding that our sex life (at least in that vein) is currently nonexistent. We talked about it last night, kind of, and his reasoning is that my mood has been so low over the past few weeks (due to circumstances outside both my control and our relationship) that he doesn't want to make me feel forced into a BDSM situation that might make me feel worse. My response was immediate, though: it makes me feel better. At the very least it helps me to shut my brain off, to disconnect from anything other than us, here, now, this feeling, this emotion, this release. It's so rare in my world for that to happen and I cherish it completely.
Ultimately it's about communication. Isn't it always? I am working on becoming more able to tell him what I want/need, but I'm not there yet. And he has promised to talk to me instead of assuming that he'll make it worse.
It's been hard, though. The words, "I really would like it if you'd hurt me, please," don't always come easily to my lips; not nearly as often as they beat inside my mind and heart. My inability to simply say it to him stems from fear of rejection, fear of "making him" do something he doesn't truly want to do, and fear of judgment. Do I need it too much? Too often? Too desperately?
And so I yield to his lead, which, unfortunately, puts all of the pressure on him to decide when we're going to do this. That's not a fair position to put one partner in, even a dominant partner.
So we're working on it. I'll let you know how it goes...because I miss it. I miss it so, so much.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Stalemate
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1 comment:
i've thought much & often about this post. the crisis you write about is a very real one that can manifest in every sort of relationship - how to speak up, have needs & wants met, how to find freedom in being seen, and the thrilling, unexpected boost that comes from speaking it AND having it met. that last part is the scariest part, leaves you hanging, twisting potentially in an imagined forever discomfort. but really, there is so much strength and confirmation in saying out loud what you want, owning it with your words. i guess what i'm trying to say is, my dear ms. monkey, is that while it is the scariest, it is also the most relief, the most freeing, the most affirming to yourself that you care enough to take care of you. the paradox always shows the way.
<<<< hugs >>>>
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