M. Monkey

Born female, it has taken time for me to learn what it means to be partnered to a transgendered person. Feeling uncomfortable (which is an understatement) in one's own skin because one's gender outside doesn't match with one's gender inside is, for the most part, an experience that I can't relate to. But I fell in love with him before I knew he was trans -- back when I knew him as 'she' -- and none of my feelings changed when he came out to me for the second time. He was brave, I was confused but open-minded, and I spent months afterward reading all I could find on FtMs (that's female-to-male) and their experiences. I'm like that: I want to KNOW, I want to understand, I want to be as well-informed as possible about everything at all times. I think that's why I love blogs so much. A world full of people writing about their experiences of all kinds of things, every day! I'm a voyeur at heart; this is heaven to me.

Other than simply female, I am: 5' 7", pale-skinned, dark-haired, blue-eyed. Curvy and athletic -- but not as code for overweight, (not that there's anything wrong with that) -- with an hourglass shape that makes me uncomfortable. I am queer and my drug of choice is androgyny. I love genderfuckers; girls that look like boys, butches, trannybois, almost everything floats my boat at one time or another. I tend not to be attracted to "femmes", whatever that is. I find it frustrating when I am read as a femme myself because I don't identify that way. Yes, I have longish hair. Yes, I wear girly clothes, at least sometimes. Yes, I have a very feminine figure. But if I'd had my choice I would have been born a slight, tall, flat-chested androgynous girl -- think Shane from the L-Word (how I hate to use that as my benchmark! But it's the best example I can think of. I don't so much want to fuck her as BE her...). So having a body like I do is rather lost on me, though I do get quite a bit of attention for it. I almost always misread that attention; I'll have more to write about that later.

I've been in love with my boi for ten years, though only recently have we gotten our ducks in a row enough to actually BE together. He is the first "girl" I've been with, though I've had opportunities with and certainly feelings for others before. I just...I wanted it to be him. I wanted my first time with a female-bodied person to be with him and no-one else, because as far as I was concerned if I couldn't have him then I didn't even want to know what I was missing. It's like the first time I got glasses. I didn't even realize that I wasn't seeing the leaves on the trees until I slipped them on and rode home in the car. I cried the whole way because the world was so beautiful and I had never, ever known. It was like that the first time he made me come; I cried and cried. The world was so beautiful and I was in his arms and I had never known I could feel that way.

I'm glad I waited. He was worth every second.