Working out the kinks in our kink

Sometimes, even in the best relationship, things don't work as planned (in bed...and elsewhere, but I specifically mean in bed right now). Last night was one of those nights.

"Little girl, get up on your knees and elbows, RIGHT NOW," he growled at me. I'd been in the fetal position with my knees tucked up underneath me, face down, my arms stretched out over my head. He'd been relentlessly rimming my ass for the better part of ten minutes.

I've never been much for ass-play. Previous lovers have tried; the idea of anal sex was titillating, so forbidden and risque. But I am a delicate girl and I am very, very tight, so it's always ended up hurting too much to continue. So I've never had anal sex. I've barely managed to take even a fingertip.

But I trust my boi implicitly, and when we decided that we were interested in trying this again, it felt like a good decision to me. There's nothing I will ever deny him. I wanted him to take my virginity this way -- it's the last that I have. I want it to be his.

And yet it's hurt before, and so I'm scared. I don't think I've made this clear enough to him, as evidenced by our miscommunication last night.

I sobbed softly, but got to my hands and knees as instructed. "Good girl, you're so open to me now," he purred and immediately penetrated me with his tongue. The feeling was so disconcerting, hard and yet soft and wet at the same time. I didn't like it. At all.

"Stop squirming or I swear to god, I will grab a handful of lube, strap on, and fuck your ass right now, don't even think for a second that I won't." He spanked me, hard, more of a slap that ended with him gripping a handful of my ass and squeezing than a true spank. I whimpered and answered him, turning my head so that my mouth was clear of the pillow I'd been hiding in. "Yes, Daddy."

I'm his little grrl. He's my Daddy.

His tongue slipped into me again. I couldn't help it; I jerked away. He wrapped both hands around my hips and yanked me back, the motion serving to press his tongue further into my ass. I yelped. It didn't feel great, that was true, but it was scaring me more than it was hurting. This time I held still.

The squirmy feeling stopped abruptly and was replaced by his fingers, stroking my anus softly. I sobbed again; this felt good and that scared me, too.

One fingertip stopped, probed gently. "I am going to shove my thumb into your ass now," he said, calmly. I gasped, dumbfounded. I knew it would be excruciating. I was not the least bit ready for something like that. "I'll count down for you: three, two..."

I couldn't help it; I jerked away. "No!" I cried into the mattress, "No." He pulled me back, repositioned his thumb.

"Three, two..." I jerked again, agitated beyond myself. "You have no fucking idea what you're doing," I sobbed. I meant it; I thought he was going to fuck me that abruptly, with that little foreplay. When we're in the moment like that, I believe everything he tells me.

The finger withdrew. "Why do you do that?" His voice was low, angry. I froze. "Why do you get so damn mouthy?" I was silent; I thought this was part of it.

He seized me around the waist and pulled me toward him, his hands rough. I balled up and covered my face with my hands. He likes to slap me across the face (and I like for him to do it) but I instinctively protect myself against it sometimes.

But he wasn't after that. He was honestly angry and I just didn't realize it. I landed in his lap and he pressed his forehead to mine, his eyes grey and stormy. "Answer me. Why do you get so damn mouthy?"

My mind raced. How do you answer a question like that? "I don't know, Daddy." It was a useless response and I knew it.

"You have to be in control, you have to know everything at all times, you have to KNOW, don't you?" He shook me for emphasis. "You need to learn to keep your damn mouth shut."

"Yes, Daddy," I muttered. I had no idea what he was talking about.

"'Yes, Daddy' what?"

What? "Yes, Daddy...?" I didn't know what he wanted me to say.

"'Yes, Daddy, I'm sorry for running my fucking mouth,'" he prompted. I started to get angry, too. I didn't realize I'd been running anything. I repeated it anyway.

"Get up." He pushed me off his lap. I knelt in the center of the bed, waiting to see what he wanted next. But he was...moving around the room, shutting off lights and turning the music off and...getting ready for bed?

I didn't understand. The room went black.

I felt shut down, thrown aside. What the hell had just happened? I lay down on my side of the bed and curled up, dismal.

"Where did you go?" His voice wasn't as angry in the dark.

"I don't understand you," I answered, dully. I've never been good at rejection.

He put his hand on my back. "What do you mean?"

We've been in love for ten years but we only got together a few months ago. Before that, neither of us had had any experience with BDSM in any capacity other than fantasy. We both wanted it, needed it, yearned for it, but never wanted to do it without the other. So the actual practice of domination and submission is new for us both and sometimes, we run into...kinks. Lately I have been having trouble submitting completely due to other shit going on in my life. He knows this and is trying to bring me back into line, but it's not been successful yet. And I don't think it's his job to get me there; it's mine. I'll get there.

So after a few fits and starts, we worked out that he had never intended on going through with fucking my ass like that. I just believe everything he tells me when we're intensely in that mindset. And my telling him that he didn't know what he was doing hurt him and made him angry, but I didn't know that his reaction wasn't just part of what we were doing in the first place. So we put measures in place for him to tell me if he was actually angry, and I promised not to say that again to him.

We're working on it. Sometimes a dom doesn't know exactly what a sub wants, fears, or feels, and sometimes a sub doesn't respond the way a dom wants or needs. But the more we do this, the better we get at reading each other, and the better the sex -- and the connection -- will be.